If You Need Me (The Toronto Terror Series)

“I did something stupid.”

“That is not a statement I often hear coming from your mouth,” Shilpa says as she passes me another package of organza bags. We’re making favors for her cousin’s upcoming wedding. “What happened?”

“So you know I have a fun-time friend…” I fill another organza bag with Jordan almonds.

“The pharmaceutical rep?” Her eyes go wide. “Please tell me you’re not seeing him on the sly.”

“Of course not. I know better. The backlash would be horrible. It’s bad enough that I’m in a ‘relationship’ with a player. I’d be raked over the coals if I was caught cheating on him.” I let my head fall back against the cushions. “I may have mentioned him to Dallas.”

“Okay…”

“And how I was minus a stress reliever.”

“You have personal pleasure devices.”

I give her a look. “It’s not the same, and you know it.”

Shilpa sits up straight, and a sly smile tugs at the corner of her mouth. “Oh, Hemi. Dallas offered his services, didn’t he?”

I nod and bite my lip.

“And you took him up on it, didn’t you?”

I hang my head in shame. “I did.”

“Did you sleep with him?” she asks.

“No. No sex.” Though my vagina clenches at the mere fucking mention, the traitorous bitch. “But I am now very aware of how talented he is with his hands and tongue. You know I’ve spent all this time loathing him for being a dick to me, and I figured, what harm could it do? He’s nice to look at. And he owes me. So why not let him get me off, right?”

“Makes sense to me.”

“So of course I set parameters and laid the ground rules.”

“Of course you did.” She hides her smile behind her mug of tea.

“But his mouth, Shilps. He just…doesn’t stop running it. Ever. And he’s so good with it. The chemistry is unreal. Last night, he offered to take care of me at the end of our date, and I turned him down. And in a few days, I have to spend an entire weekend with him. There’s a very high probability that we’ll have to sleep in the same bed. How the hell am I going to make it through the weekend? He’ll offer again. I know he will.”

“Why did you turn him down last night?” she asks.

“Because I can’t get addicted. He’s too good at it—like, so, so good at it.” I shove down the memory of his head between my thighs. “And he was so thoughtful yesterday. And I had fun.” I say this like it’s criminal. “Letting him get his hands on me would have been a bad idea. But I don’t know if I have the restraint required to say no this weekend, and it’s messing with my head. He can’t know how he affects me.”

But it’s more than that. He pushes every right button I have in the bedroom department, and that freaks me the hell out. We’re ultra compatible between the sheets. Or at least he’s compatible with me. I haven’t put my hands on him, so that’s speculation on my part. But both times he’s been rock hard and ready to go when I’ve sent him home. The implications are…terrifying. What if I give in and have sex with him? What if it’s just as amazing as I expect it will be? This arrangement isn’t like the one with Allen—our life visions don’t align, so that makes the casual easy to maintain. It’s how I avoid any feelings. But I already have tons of feelings where Dallas is concerned. And some of them are shifting. I don’t trust him. I can’t be the nerdy girl who falls for the hot hockey player, especially not the player who hurt me a decade ago.

She smiles softly. “To be clear, every time he’s serviced you⁠—”

“Can you use a different word? Serviced sounds like I’m a broken washing machine.”

Shilpa chuckles. “Have you orgasmed every time?”

“It was only twice, and yes. Both times. The second time it was the longest, most intense orgasm of my life.”

“So don’t you think he already knows he affects you?”

“But right now he thinks it was a hate-gasm! I need to keep it that way.”

She leans back in her chair. “Explain why?”

Her phone chimes with new messages from Ash. I recognize the ringtone.

“Are you going to check that?” I would happily never speak of my life before university again if I could, except for memories with my family.

“In a minute. He can wait. Answer the question, Hemi.”

I close my eyes and exhale some of my anxiety. “I don’t know. They teased me relentlessly in elementary school. Gum in my hair, rotten fruit in my winter boots. It got worse in middle school and high school. They’d spread rumors about me. Like that I kept all my toenails in a jar or had a shrine to one of our teachers.” And not one of the cute teachers. The old one with hair in his ears who smelled like cheese. “There were rumors that he and his friends used to deface my student council posters. They’d put shitty notes in my locker calling me names like Virgin Queen, or say I was a waste of big boobs. It was stupid and juvenile. I get that teenagers can be mean, but I was a target. And it fucking hurt. I know what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and all that, but it didn’t make it feel any less awful at the time. He had so much social power back then, but he never did anything to stop them. He laughed at their shitty jokes like it wasn’t cruel.” I look to the ceiling. “He still has that power over people now. Everybody adores him. I’m supposed to hate him for every scar he left behind, but I don’t think I do right now. This whole thing, this situation I’m in…I feel like I cornered myself. I protected him when I protected the welfare of the team and my own reputation. I never said anything to anyone about it, because I knew it would make everything worse. I don’t feel like I have control over myself anymore.” I spoon almonds into a bag. “And the worst part is, I’m attracted to him, Shilps.” I cover my mouth with my hand. “Like, really attracted to him. I cannot stop thinking about his hands on me.”

At this point, though, fantasizing about Dallas is the least of my worries. I have the reunion to deal with. When I visit my moms, I don’t usually venture out much. It’s easier to avoid running into people I know and having fake, awkward conversations on the street. But this is an event, and I was the class president. I can’t hide from it, or the people who were shitty to me. More than that, I want to show them, and myself, that the crap I endured didn’t hold me back. I’m already freaking out about it—being with the same people who called me terrible names growing up, becoming that girl again. But I can’t back out, because if Dallas is right about one thing, it’s that I can’t let them get the best of me.

Shilpa sighs. “There’s definitely chemistry between you. Can you be honest with him about how you’re feeling?”

“Not a chance. He’s never even apologized for what he did. I’m not going to open myself up like that.”

“Has he ever tried?”

That gives me pause. He does try to bring it up sometimes. But… “I don’t want to hear it if it’s disingenuous,” I tell her.

She nods slowly. “Which is what you assume it would be because of your history with him. The version of Dallas I’ve known is different, but your fears are valid. It’s easy to forget that everyone has their own experiences with people. Obviously, he’s grown up over the past decade, but that doesn’t take away the hurt he caused. You know what you can handle and what you need out of this. I get that you want to face down those demons, and attending the reunion will give you the peace you need to move past it.”

I nod. Maybe that’s exactly why I want this. Maybe I need to let go of all the hurt so I can leave that girl in the past and not let her follow me through the rest of my life. “Thanks, Shilps. You’re always the voice of reason.” I’m so grateful that I can be scared without judgment with her, but she always challenges me with a new perspective.

My phone buzzes with a message.

We both look at it.

“I’ll check my message if you check yours,” Shilps says.

We both pick up our phones.

“Oh wow,” Shilps mutters as she reads.

“What?”

“Apparently, Dallas and Ash are on a shopping spree. One guess who he’s buying things for.” She nods to my phone. “Your turn.”

I cover my mouth with my hand. “He’s sexting me.”

“Because you turned him down last night?”

“Maybe.” I bite my lips together. “He wants to know when he gets a reward for being a good boy.”

Her eyebrows rise. “Sounds like you’re not the only one affected.”

“I’m so screwed this weekend.”