Knowing Jude

Jude picks up the phone on the first ring, to my relief.

"Look who's calling me," he says, amused.

I manage a smile past the tears that won't stop streaming down my face. I take in a deep breath and try to keep my voice even. "Hey, Jude. I need a favour."

I fail terribly, sounding as if I have grains of sand stuck in my throat. My body shivers, a fresh sob threatening to surface.

"Jo? Are you okay?" Jude's voice drops the playfulness, becoming urgent.

I suck in another breath. "No, I... Can you pick me up please?"

"Of course," he responds without missing a beat. "Where're you?"

"You know Ana Grace right? Do you know her place?"

"Yes, yes I do, is that where you are?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I'll be there in ten."

"Thank you," I whisper just as he hangs up.

I slip my phone back into my dress pocket and fold my arms around my body, wishing I had brought a jacket. My arms and legs are bare and I'm standing outside in the biting night wind. I could have remained in the house but I had been dying to get out of there.

Ana approached me two days ago, informing me of plans to hold a little get together of Angeline's friends for what could have been her eighteenth birthday. She had invited me and I had been glad to go. It was for Angie, and no matter how much I knew it would hurt reliving memories, I believed that wherever she is, she would see that she isn't forgotten, that we would never forget her.

I would never.

She might not be here physically, but she'll forever be in my heart, and she'll forever be a piece of me that I'll never get back.

The group was all girls. Most of them were Angie's former teammates from the volleyball team and several cheerleaders. I tortured myself with thoughts of Jax. Where he was. What he was doing. Maybe he went to visit her grave. An hour into the get-together and I wished I was with Jax holding his hand during what was probably a hard time for him, or sitting beside Angie's headstone telling her about everything that had happened around and how I wished she was still here.

It all started off fine. Sharing stories about Angie, memories, and her favourite stuff.

Then suddenly the subject changed and it became a gossip talk show instead of an 'Angie memorial sleepover'. What did it for me was when the attention turned to me and my relations with Cole and Jude. With some of the girls pleading with me to drop the 'there's totally nothing to it' act and tell them the juicy details because they 'knew' I had 'scored' both guys.

I excused myself to go to the bathroom with a promise to get back with the story. Instead of going down the hall I took the stairs and left the house, and now here I am waiting for Jude to arrive. I walk a little ways from the house, not wanting to get noticed if any of them looks out of the window of Ana Grace's posh pink room. Once I'm out of sight, I take a seat at the curb and wait.

I'm startled out of my deep thoughts when a car skids to a stop in front of me like five minutes later, bathing me in the glow of headlights. It's Jude's, but it's Cole who appears from the driver's side.

"Cole?" I ask, my voice a mixture of relief and confusion.

He closes the distance between us and gives me a tight hug. "Are you okay? Jude sent me over."

My arms wrap around him feebly. "I'm fine now."

Cole leans back and studies my face. His eyes flick to Ana's house. "What were you doing there?”

I shrug, wrapping my arms around myself again. "A wake for Angie's eighteenth birthday."

"Oh," he says, his face softening. He gives me another hug. "Those bimbos care?"

I laugh into his shoulder, already feeling better. "They don't."

He pulls away and takes hold of my hand. "Come on, let's get you out of here."

"So, where's Jude?" I ask moments later, huddling into Cole's warm jacket.

"He got held up a little," he responds, taking his eyes off the road for a second.

I nod. "Thank you for getting me."

He throws me a wink. "It's what friends are for."

I smile and fold my legs on the seat. "Where exactly is he held up?" I ask, curious.

Cole chuckles. "I don't think it's in my place to tell."

"Oh." I lean forward and start messing with the radio, searching for some soothing music. "A girl?"

"What?" he spurts. "No! No." He gives me another short glance. "Why would you think that?" I shrug. "It's Jude."

"I know, but he cares about you. He would have ditched a girl mid-orgasm if you needed him."

I give him a sideways glance. I don't think I'll ever get used to their random PG-rated phrases.

"I doubt that," I say, sitting back after coming across some Whitney Houston.

He places an open palm over his heart. "Have I ever lied to you, Jo?"

I laugh. "Okay, fine, if you say so."

A couple of minutes later we get to crossroads, and before he can take the turn that would lead home, I ask him to turn the other way.

"Where to?" he asks.

"To Angie."

He nods and makes the turn.

"I don't think I'll ever truly get you," Cole says a while later while we make our way through hundreds of headstones.

"Why?" I ask, walking very close to him.

"How many normal people would visit a cemetery in the middle of the night?"

"I sure wouldn't do it alone," I whisper.

"Stop whispering, it's creepy."

I poke his side. "Are you scared?"

"Haha, funny."

"It's right there," I say and point when we get close.

"I'll stay back here; will you be fine?"

I nod.

He holds me back for a few more seconds, his face laden with concern. He sighs finally, then gives me another hug. "Okay, I'll be right here."

An hour later we are seated under that tree where I first met Isaac. Every time I think the tears are gone, a fresh wave starts.

Cole is trying his best to keep me calm, and I can tell it isn't something he's used to or has ever had to do before.

"You can cry all you want."

"Shut up Cole."

"Okay."

"It's just so lonely sometimes."

"I know."

I sniff, wipe at my wet cheeks, and lean into his side.

"You wish Jude was here, don't you?" he adds.

I swallow as if that will keep the longing at bay. I nod.

"You like him."

I'll blame it on my weak emotional state at the moment, but I don't feel like lying anymore. "Yeah."

"You tell him?"

My brow creases. "What? No."

"Maybe he would like to hear it."

"No, no."

Jude agreed that he's not about to give up girl hopping, so yeah I'm definitely not about to lay out my heart at his feet.

"He doesn't get nearly enough affection, you know."

I pull back a little and give him a look of disbelief. "Hello, we're talking about Jude, the girl magnet? Popular model with fans and the last time I checked there's a fandom, small but steady and growing every day? Do you know his followers on social media doubled after those shows he had last month?"

Cole quirks a brow at me. "Are you sure you're not the founder of the fandom?"

I roll my eyes and laugh.

"Honestly though," he adds solemnly. "I'm talking about real affection. I'm not saying the other is fake. Well, most of it is deluded... I mean, none of those people actually know, or understand him."

I nod.

"His family hates him. All of his friends in this world are currently sitting in a cemetery having a tête-à-tête. People might not see it, and he might have weird ways of showing it, but the guy craves some deep intimate affection. And I'll tell you something."

I nod, encouraging him to go on.

"Half of the time I'm afraid of losing him. Which is every time neither of us is high on something. Very little things trigger him." He pauses. "So, if there's a way he could find something that anchors him, I'd totally have his back."

His gaze is penetrating as if he's trying to tell me something with his eyes. I'm almost looking away in self-consciousness when he reaches out and pinches my left cheek, breaking into a smile. "Look at you, the tears are gone." I break into a smile too.

"Holy shit, what has Jude done to you? You're morphing into a bad girl."

I blanch. "Shut-"

"Up Cole." He interjects.

I shove him.

He chuckles. "Lemme let him know we're coming so he can look all pretty if he wants."

I lift my eyes heavenward. "Why would he do that?"

"Not skirting around the obvious with you, Jo."

I shift in my seat. "What if he doesn't-"

"Want you there? Trust me, he's dying to see you. Are you going to spend the night with him?"

I almost choke on air. "What? No!"

Cole laughs. "You think?"

I fold my arms over my chest defiantly. "I'm sure there are lots of guest rooms in that mansion of yours, no?"

"Some that I've never ventured into."

"Then I'm set."

Pause.

"You think?"

God help me...

Minutes later Cole parks the car in his driveway behind his double cab and we head towards the house. We're almost to the door when it opens and Jude appears.

"Are you okay? Was he nice? Did he hit on you?"

"Wow, I feel trusted," Cole says drily and disappears into the house.

Jude gathers me in a hug. I squeeze him tight, basking in his presence.

"Cole was great," I say when we finally pull apart.

He takes my hand and leads me into the house, closing the door behind us. Once again, my breath is stolen by the magnificence of the foyer and living room. However, my attention is mostly on Jude and I notice that he has a slight limp. "Are you okay? You're limping."

He looks back at me, blonde hair flopping onto one side of his face. "Some jerk tried to break my leg, but he didn't get there so I'm good."

I wince. "You got into a fight?"

He shrugs. "You could say that."

"Why?"

"I wanted to beat his ass and," he pauses, gives me a hesitant look. "There was money for it."

"Money." I echo as he leads me to sit on a couch.

"Yes..." his face breaks into a look of utter astonishment. "Holy fuck, you're wearing a dress."

I look down at myself and smile. "Yeah."

"Very pretty."

"Thanks. You don't look too bad yourself."

He's in a pair of grey sweatpants, a white vest and is, of course, adorably barefoot. His hair looks a little damp as if he just came from a shower. Probably, if he was fighting.

He lifts an eyebrow. "You sure you won't get in trouble for staying here?"

I tilt my head. "Not if nobody finds out. I was supposed to spend the night at Ana's."

"Won't the girls call home to check whether you got back?"

"Jude. We're talking about the cheerleaders and popular girls of our school. Half of them looked ready to strangle me when they started asking about you. I can bet you anything they won't be calling me or home. They don't even have my number."

He nods. "Okay."

"So. You fight for money or something like that?"

He twists his lips and inclines his head. "Maybe."

"He's a favourite, and good. That's the only reason his pretty face isn't disfigured yet."

I look beyond Jude at Cole. "And you?"

"When it's a doubles match, we go together. Otherwise, I keep out of it."

"He's a pussy," Jude tells me.

Cole waves a hand dismissively. "That's cool bro. I'll let you say whatever shit you want about me if it makes you feel good and earns you points with her."

Jude's eyes roll heavenward, then he walks away. I laugh and Cole comes to sit beside me.

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"What do you want for dinner?"

"Can you cook?"

He turns his head to look at me. "Want to make a request?"

"Some other day. At Ana's might have sucked but there was an endless supply of ice cream and snacks and I don't shy away from food so I think I should probably not add anything else in here," I confess, tapping my belly. "Okay."

He leans back into the couch, rolling his head over the back.

"Cole, can I ask you something?" I ask after seconds of silence.

"Anything."

"I might not have known you for long, but what I know of you so far is you're a good guy and you're nice and you're a great friend."

He nods slowly, sitting up a little to hold my gaze. "Thanks for that high rating."

"I'm not kidding!" I pause. "I just want to know why you're hurting Nicki so bad." I add quickly before he can say something, "I wouldn't be asking if I didn't know you like her."

"How do you "

"Cole, everybody else can see it. It's in the little things. How you talk to her, how you behave around her, how you react to her. How you look at her."

"You're making that up."

I shake my head. "I'm not."

He shrugs. "Just know that I don't want to hurt her."

"But you are."

He rises and regards me with a blank look upon his face. "It would be worse if we were together."

He turns and walks towards the bar, where he picks an unopened bottle of vodka, soda, and a glass. He gestures towards the stairs. "I'll go crash, Jude will show you to a room, okay?"

I nod. "Are you going to drink that now?" I ask, indicating his alcohol.

He sways the green-tinged bottle. "You don't wanna know."

Then he bounds towards the staircase.

"Ready for bed?" Jude's voice startles me and I turn to find him leaning against the kitchen door jamb, arms over his chest and feet crossed.

I nod tersely and rise to my feet. "Yeah."

He breaks his pose, reaches into the kitchen, and seconds later the lights go out in there. He walks into the living room, then heads for the stairs and indicates that I follow him. I do, running my hand over the golden bannister like an excited kid. We climb past the first floor into the second. We walk down the hall until he stops at one of the white doors.

I'm standing right behind him, eager to see into the room, so it doesn't take much for him to crowd me when he suddenly turns around.

"You came here," he states.

I blink, thrown by the sudden intensity in his gaze and the calmness in his voice. I nod.

"Why didn't you go to Nicki's? Or Simon's?"

My brow creases a little. My heart beats painfully. "I... I'm... It's fine if you don't want me here, I can "

"What? No!" he cuts me off, frowning deeply. "Of course I want you here. I just... I'm just happy I'm the first place you thought about when you needed to get away."

An embarrassed smile curves my lips. I stare at the floor. "Umh, yeah."

Then his hand is on my cheek, lifting my face to look at him. A horde of butterflies takes over my insides. But what's new.

"You want to tell me why?" he whispers, his thumb tracing circles on my skin.

I swallow hard, almost choking on air.

Thoughts alone are hard enough with him looking at me and touching me like that, but I manage a half breathless reply.

"For the same reason that you appeared in my room at midnight."

He eyes me thoughtfully, then drops his hand and pockets both of them in his sweatpants. "You don't know my reason."

I shrug. "You can tell me, and I'll tell you if I'm right."

What follows is a mini staring contest. He turns away first, reaching out for the handle of the door before us. "Come on, let's get to bed."

I exhale a whoosh of breath and follow after him.

I stop at the threshold.

"Uh, Jude? Isn't this your...room?" I ask, taking it in.

First thing, the scent of his cologne is all over the place. Second, the room is obviously occupied, not some empty guest room.

Jude reaches for the hem of his vest and pulls it over his chest in one move.

"Yes, it is." He walks back towards me, takes my hand, and pulls me into the room. He closes the door. "I've spent nights in your room, Jo. It's time you returned the favour."