Variation: A Novel

When the time came for summer intensives as a kid, and Mom spared no expense for bringing her hand-selected instructors to the cape, she’d always save the hardest, the most demanding teacher for last.

It was no coincidence that teacher was her best friend.

Eloise unpacked, told Anne to prepare lunch, and ordered Everett and me into the studio.

“We have our work cut out for us, don’t we?” That was all she said as she changed the music in the stereo.

The next two days passed in a blur. Once Kenna confirmed my ankle was cleared without restriction, Eloise was merciless. She demanded perfection, and when we didn’t give it, she put us through combination after combination until we got it right or she decided we were too exhausted to continue.

When Hudson brought Juniper over the evening of Eloise’s third day, the teacher hung back as I worked with her. She watched, she assessed, and to my surprise, she smiled once we were done.

“Do you know who I am?” Eloise asked as Juniper put her slippers into her bag. “I only ask because you were staring in that mirror like you did.”

“You’re Eloise Lowell,” Juniper whispered reverently. “You were a soloist at MBC before you became an instructor.”

“That’s right.” She nodded. “Would you like me to help teach you while I’m here?”

“Think carefully before you answer, Juniper.” I took off my own slippers, wincing at the sight of my feet. That blister on my right foot had popped in the last hour despite the cushion I’d wrapped onto it, and Eloise wasn’t a fan of Ouch Pouches. “Eloise is the best, but she’s not afraid to hurt your feelings.”

Eloise arched a brow.

“Yes, please,” Juniper responded, lifting her chin. “I can take it.”

Eloise chuckled. “I think you can. Now run off to your . . .” She threw a glance toward the doorway, and I looked up to see Hudson waiting, his hair still wet from showering after the pool.

My pulse jumped, and that sweet, biting pressure I refused to name filled my chest. It was beyond liking him. Beyond caring for him. But I wasn’t giving it the power of a label.

“Uncle,” Juniper supplied, then shoved her feet into a pair of neon-green Crocs and grabbed her bag. “Thank you!”

“Don’t thank me yet,” Eloise warned, her gaze sliding to mine.

I stood, disassociating from the pain as I walked toward Hudson. As much as I hated to admit it, I’d missed him the last few days.

He grinned, that dimple appearing in his cheek as I approached, but his expression quickly fell when he looked down. “What the hell happened to your feet?”

“It’s nothing. Paying the price of a few lost calluses, but they’ll rebuild.” I rose up and kissed him, quick and fast. “This is Eloise, Kenna’s mother.”

He offered his hand, and Eloise took it, shaking it slowly. “I’ve heard a lot about you, Mrs. Lowell.”

“If you’re who I think you are, then I’m afraid I can say the same.” She folded her arms over her pink sweater. “You were a thorn in Sophie’s side.”

“Proud of it.” He nodded.

“Hmm.” She walked back into the studio as Juniper rushed by, her bun already falling out in places.

I walked them out, rolling my stiff shoulders and neck, then said goodbye to Juniper as she hopped into Hudson’s truck.

He wound his arms around my waist on the front porch. “Looks like you’ve decided to go with the act of God strategy?”

“Something like that.” I placed my hands on his chest. “You know how you’re always talking about balance?”

He nodded, two lines creasing his brow.

“There’s not going to be any balance. Not for the next month.” I swallowed as the pressure tightened in my chest, mixing with the bitter taste of fear. “Eloise, Kenna, and Everett are all out here for me, and I have to show up every day for them. My focus has to be on what happens in that studio if I want any shot at getting my role back.”

He pulled me closer. “You cutting our time short?”

“I don’t want to.” My hands slipped up his T-shirt and around his neck, and my chest constricted. “But it would mean you draw the short stick. The only time I’ll have is at night. I’ll be pulling eleven-hour days and sleeping at least eight hours at night to recover. Give or take the hour or two it will take me to wake up and eat meals, and there’s not much else.”

“Am I an asshole if I ask for the leftovers?”

“No.” I shook my head and barely kept from sighing with relief. The skeptical part of me had screamed that he’d walk away.

“Then short stick it is.” He bent down and kissed me. “If this was a movie, you’d be heading into your training montage. I get it. I have no problem counting sleep as quality time. Your place. My place. I’ll make it work.”

“Thank you.” I smiled, and that ache started freaking throbbing in the area of my heart.

“Any way I can have you.” He kissed me again, taking the time to deepen it just enough that my breath quickened and I leaned into him. “Try to make it nine.”

“Nine what?” I asked as he let me go and started down the steps.

“Nine hours in bed,” he replied over his shoulder. “You give me that extra hour and I promise you’ll sleep better the other eight.”

I snorted. “See you tonight?”

“You want me to knock? Or do I have to climb up the trellis?” He grinned as he reached his door.

“I’ll let you in,” I promised.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep. See you in a few.” He climbed into the truck, and I walked back into the house after his taillights disappeared down the drive.

Eloise was waiting in the foyer. “That little girl looks awfully familiar.”

“Does she?” I closed the door and fought to calm my racing heartbeat.

“She looks like Lina. Same eyes. Same smile. Even steps out of her pirouette at the same place when she loses her balance.” She stared at me. “Anything you feel like telling me?”

Mom hadn’t told her. “Nothing comes to mind.”

“Hmm.” She nodded. “And her uncle. Is he a distraction?”

My spine straightened. “No, ma’am.”

“Good. Hate to waste all this work on a summer fling.” She headed up the stairs.

No wonder Eloise was such good friends with my mother. Their words were eerily similar. It was on the tip of my tongue to argue that it wasn’t a fling . . . but that’s exactly what we were doing. That’s all I’d asked for, all I could handle, and everyone—even Hudson—knew it.

But just because I knew it wouldn’t work out once I went to New York didn’t mean I didn’t want it to. I simply knew better than to open my door to the inevitable destruction our failure would cause. So I concentrated on what we had, and I threw everything into now.

Days spun into weeks, whirring by in an unending cycle of work, pain, and recovery. Slowly, my body adjusted. My calluses thickened. My ankle strengthened.

Every morning I was home, I’d pull open my nightstand drawer while Hudson showered, peek in at Lina’s ring to remind myself why this was all worth it, and get to work. I spent my days in the studio and my nights with Hudson, burrowing deeper into the tangled mess of my feelings for him instead of running, like every instinct demanded. He fit himself into my life like sand poured into a jar full of pebbles, settling seamlessly into the spaces between the rocks. He was everywhere without making himself the priority.

Whether at his house or mine, we spent every night he wasn’t on duty in the same bed. He held me to a strict eight-hour policy, never once letting me lose sleep in favor of indulging in him, which only made me head to bed earlier, determined to savor every second we had together. He kept a phone charger on his nightstand at my house. I kept clothes in a drawer at his.

July became August. Michael came out to spend weekends with Everett, and Matthias flew in whenever his schedule allowed. Storms rolled in, and Hudson flew out every time, and I slowly learned how to breathe around the fear and trust that he’d come home, slowly started to trust him.

Juniper flourished under Eloise, learning faster than I ever had at that age, and though Eloise never mentioned Lina again, I’d catch her watching Juniper with a sad smile from time to time and knew . . . she knew.

“She’s talented,” Eloise remarked one Friday in August as Juniper packed up after rehearsal. “She won’t win, but she won’t embarrass herself either. I think at least the top twenty in her division.”

“I hope so,” I agreed, trying to ignore the guilt that sat in my stomach like lead. Day by day, we crept closer to the Classic, and dug a deeper hole when it came to Caroline. We’d all become horrifyingly comfortable in the lie, selfishly unwilling to risk the delicate happiness that came with being in each other’s lives. I just hoped we’d made the right decision, that showing Caroline how easily our lives could blend for Juniper’s sake, we’d assuage her fears.

“I had something made for her,” Eloise said with the flash of a smile. “For the Classic. It will be here tomorrow so she can practice in it. Took her measurements while you were busy staring at her uncle in the pool last week.”

My gaze whipped to hers. “You didn’t have to.”

“Of course I did. I saw what you two were looking at online. Can’t have a Rousseau girl dancing in just any costume, can we?” She leveled the same look on me that Kenna used.

“Who said she was a Rousseau girl?” I tugged off my demi-pointe shoes and wiggled my toes. The muscles were still warm, but they’d lock up soon enough.

“Who indeed?”

The next week arrived without permission, sneaking up on us like the end of summer always did—before any of us felt ready.

Juniper danced in the pink confection with the widest smile I’d ever seen, and any guilt I felt about hiding her secret from Caroline evaporated. The second she saw her daughter this happy tomorrow, she’d let her continue. There was no doubt in my mind.

“She looks like Lina,” Anne whispered as we watched Juniper twirl.

“Yes and no.” A slow smile spread across my face. Juniper took more risks than Lina did at that age, put more of her own personality into every move. Lina and I stepped into roles and became them, but Juniper somehow made the roles bend to her. “She looks like herself.”

“You ready for tomorrow?” Anne glanced my way.

“Physically or emotionally?” I asked.

“Emotionally.” Anne bumped her shoulder against mine. “I know you’re physically solid.”

“No.” I shook my head. “Too many things can go wrong.” It wasn’t just the Classic or Caroline; it was the official end of the deadline I’d set for Hudson and me. But I couldn’t think about that, not if I wanted to survive the next twenty-four hours.

“They won’t.” She hooked her arm through mine.

“And if Caroline bars us from seeing Juniper for going against every single rule she’s put in place for her daughter?” My stomach roiled.

“She won’t.” Anne shook her head with a smile. “We’ll beg her forgiveness, and everything will be okay. It’s one of those ends-justifies-the-means situations.”

I wished I felt that certain.

“If only you looked that ecstatic during rehearsal,” Eloise said as she walked our way, motioning toward Juniper. “Should I order one in your size?”

“If you think it will help,” I replied.

“As long as you let yourself shine on that stage tomorrow, you’ll do just fine, Alessandra.” She glanced at Juniper. “You both will. Now I’m off to call your mother so I can relay all the gossip coming out of the Company. It’s my favorite time of the week.” Eloise left the studio.

“At least she’s nice to her,” Anne muttered.

I grabbed my phone, which practically lived on the windowsill since Eloise would have tossed it into the pool if I’d wasted rehearsal time looking at it, and found two missed texts.

Reagan: Just checked into the hotel. This sucks without you. You’re coming to the reception tomorrow night, right? He has to renew your contract.

My thumbs hovered over the keyboard. Every MBC principal dancer had reached out, but not once in the five weeks since Vasily announced the casting had he called. Neither had Eva.

Alessandra: I’ll see you there. Promise.

With a swipe, I switched to Hudson’s thread.

Hudson: Gavin’s on his way to pick up Juniper.

Allie: I’ll make sure not to get confused and let him into my bed.

“Seven o’clock. Time to hang it up for the evening,” I told Juniper.

“Awh.” She danced by to a melody only she could hear. “Already?”

“Yep.” My phone buzzed. “Time flies when you’re having fun.”

Hudson: Don’t even joke about that. It would be a shame to break my mother’s heart by committing fratricide.

I scoffed.

Allie: I hate that I can’t see you tonight.

Hudson was on twenty-four-hour duty and wouldn’t get off until just before the Classic in the morning. I breathed through an irrational swell of panic. We hadn’t had enough time, and yet we’d had exactly what we’d agreed upon.

“At least I get to wear it tomorrow for real.” Juniper sighed, then took her bag out of the studio, hopefully headed to the bathroom to change.

Dinner smelled scrumptious as I headed into the house, dodging one of the suitcases Anne had already packed in preparation for our departure. She’d been a godsend, cooking to Kenna’s exact specifications all day, playing with Sadie when I spent too long in the studio, and even prepping the endless pointe shoes I went through.

Sadie trotted over to me from the living room with a stuffed bear in her mouth.

“Hey, girl.” I bent down to scratch behind her ears.

“I hope Vasily is ready to have a dog in the building,” Everett said, walking down the stairs, his hair still wet from a shower.

“You think he’ll let me bring her?”

Everett grinned. “I think he’s going to give you anything and everything you want after tomorrow.” He pulled me into a hug. “We’re ready, Allie. You’re ready.”

I squeezed him back. “In case I forget to say it tomorrow, thank you.” My phone buzzed and I pulled away to read the text.

Hudson: Me, too. But I’ll be dead center, back row tomorrow.

I was counting on it.