Variation: A Novel

NYFouette92: You need to check out Bway11te new video. Cast sheet changed back to Alessandra Rousseau.

Tutucutex20: I saw that, too! No posts from RousseauSisters4, though.

A cab driver honked his horn at a pedestrian as I walked out of the coffee shop across from the Metropolitan Ballet Company’s building. The sidewalks were as crowded as the roads, but at least the people moved faster than the gridlocked cars.

It was hard to imagine living here among the noise and millions of people, but if that’s what it took to be near Allie, I’d adapt. Besides, the job stayed the same. It might not be Alaska, but ocean was ocean. And I’d have another shot at requesting Sitka in three years.

Three years was nothing in comparison to how long I’d loved Allie.

I checked my watch and sipped my overpriced cup of coffee, stepping out of the way so other customers could exit the shop behind me. Seven thirty meant I had ten minutes to make it the two blocks to Allie’s place before she left for rehearsal. It also meant I hadn’t slept in about twenty-four hours. Whatever. Sleep was overrated. I breathed in anxiety and exhaled determination.

My phone buzzed in the back pocket of my jeans, and my pulse jumped just like it always did, but it wasn’t her.

Gavin: Win her back yet?

Hudson: Haven’t seen her yet.

I slipped my phone back into my pocket and stepped out into the sea of nameless faces, heading east toward Allie’s apartment.

The last five days had been torture. The Rousseau house had been emptied of all but one occupant. Allie had said goodbye to Juniper. To Caroline. She’d even stopped in at the bar to bid farewell to Gavin. Guess she felt our words at the beach were a sufficient end to whatever we’d become.

I didn’t.

The flow of traffic slowed near the corner, and I stopped with the others walking their daily commute, waiting for the signal to clear us to cross.

I pounded the caffeine, then rolled my neck. It was a long-ass drive down from Haven Cove, but it would be worth it. What Allie and I had wasn’t just rare, it was extraordinary. It had been from the moment we’d met. Soulmate. Love of my life. Whatever terminology there was still didn’t adequately describe the connection.

She existed, and I was hers.

And if it meant moving to New York and begging her forgiveness until my knees were raw, then that’s what I would do. I didn’t have a lot of experience in the groveling department, but I’d be its fucking CEO for as long as it took. She’d loved me at seventeen—

She never said she still loved you.

But she did. I knew it with the same certainty I felt every time I left the aircraft, knowing that I’d make it back in. I understood her like I did the ocean, and its rhythms and waves, its tides and swells. Allie loved me. She said it with her smiles and her laughter. She screamed it with her body. She whispered it in the middle of the night when she covered me with a blanket and kissed my temple. She revealed her fear of it every time she tried to pick an unnecessary fight. She’d spent every spare minute she could with me in that last month, and I hadn’t complained once, because while it may have only been four percent of her day, it was a hundred percent of what she had to give.

Now I was giving her the same.

My phone buzzed.

Gavin: Your speed is less than impressive.

Gavin: I have it handled here at home. Go get your dream.

I finished off my coffee and tossed it in the bin, then lifted my phone to type out a response as the light changed and people rushed forward to cross.

A dog barked across the intersection, and I looked up.

And froze on the edge of the curb.

Sadie trotted at Allie’s side in a hot-pink harness and matching leash, her tail wagging as they crossed the opposite side of the street.

Allie. My heart started pounding erratically and it had nothing to do with the caffeine.

I immediately pivoted, fighting against the flow of people to keep her in my line of sight.

Her oversize sunglasses hid her eyes, but she was dressed in a close-fitted blue T-shirt, leggings, and tennis shoes, and her hair was already tucked neatly into a high bun—headed to rehearsal.

Fuck, I had her schedule wrong.

Allie adjusted the huge tote on her shoulder, and Eva stepped into view on her other side. Fine, if I had to grovel in front of her sister, I’d manage.

“Excuse me,” I said, narrowly missing some guy in a three-piece suit as I walked against the current, desperate to keep my eyes on Allie. “Allie!” I called out, but she didn’t hear me.

Eva talked nonstop, but whatever she said made Allie smile as they approached the studio doors, and I paused at the edge of the curb, estimating my chances of crossing traffic unscathed.

“Allie!” I tried again, only to be lost in a chorus of honking cars.

Everett came through the door and threw his arms around Allie, hugging her tight and lifting her off her feet. Allie grinned as he spun her around, wrapping Sadie’s leash around them both, and Eva chased the pink nylon and grabbed hold so they didn’t go tumbling.

Fine. Everett could hear me beg too. I didn’t mind a bigger audience.

Allie laughed as Everett set her down, and the ache in my chest swelled. I didn’t have to hear it—just the sight of her happiness started welding the pieces of my broken heart back into shape.

Reagan came through the doors next, holding a giant bouquet of pink and white balloons, then swept Allie into another grin-inducing embrace.

My pocket buzzed, and I absentmindedly reached for my phone as the group disappeared into the MBC building.

Allie was home, healthy, happy, and living out her dream.

What right did I have to fuck with that? To throw her life into upheaval when she’d fought so hard to get it back? Doubt crept in, and determination shoved it back in its place. There was no one on the planet who could love Allie as well as I could.

I glanced down at my phone, expecting to see Gavin’s name, and instead receiving the reply I’d waited days for.

Nielson: What’s this I hear about you wanting out of Cape Cod?

My thumbs hovered over the keyboard. Coming here had been impetuous, but there wasn’t a lot of room in Allie’s life for that, as evidenced by her coming to practice even earlier than she said she normally did. Whatever move I made next had to keep her best interests in mind. Not just mine.

I had to fully commit, be the man she not only loved, but deserved. And the man she deserved would be just as driven as she was, just as passionate, just as considerate. We were connected, bound by fate, or luck, and that would never change. No matter how much time passed, or even if she never forgave me holding on to my secrets, I would love Allie Rousseau until the day I died.

Like she’d said, waves came in sets. She was happy here, and I had no choice but to match her energy. I was a dreamer who’d fallen in love with a dreamer, and it was time to stop dreaming and act.

Ellis: I need to call in that favor.

“You’re really not going to tell her?” Gavin sat in the leather armchair of my office four weeks later, spectating as I finished packing yet another box.

“Nope.” Allie’s absence drained the colors from the sky, the taste from my food, the peace from a hot shower . . . every cliché in the book applied. I’d lost them all, and it was time to go. “The show opens in less than a month, and she needs to stay focused.”

“You’re just going to . . . move.” He reached for the display baseball on the bookshelf beside him. “Pack up your whole life without so much as talking to her about it? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for you getting the fuck out of here. Chase that dream. Yay, dreams. But you do know her forgiving you requires actually talking to her, right? You have a plan?”

“Right now, my plan is to pick up the phone if she calls—”

“Since when are you the waiting guy?” Gavin sat back in the chair. “Fucking call her. Better yet, show up at her door and actually speak to her this time.”

I shook my head. “That’s what I need. Allie needs time to think things through—”

“She’s had a month,” he interrupted.

“Yeah, well . . . I pulled her out of a burning car and left her sister in it, then didn’t tell her because I was too chickenshit to lose her.” I put the last book in the box and grabbed the tape roll. “It might take more than a month—or even a year or two—for her to think of me without that particular fact involved.” I couldn’t fault her for it. “She might never forgive me. Why do you think I pulled that favor?”

“If I did, she can too.” He threw the ball up and caught it. “Not that I’m saying you needed forgiveness. You acted like you always do, and because of it, Allie’s alive. If you’d gotten there a minute later?”

I closed my eyes against the agonizing imagery that brought up.

“Time was the enemy, Hudson. Not you.” He tossed the ball again.

“You didn’t speak to me for weeks,” I reminded him.

“Weeks, not months, and eventually I did.” He repeated the motion, catching the ball every time it came down.

“Sure, after you came to the conclusion that if it had been you, Lina would have lived.” Another reality I refused to accept, even for Juniper’s sake.

He nodded. “Lina would have lived.”

The tape squealed as I sealed the box.

“But as much as I loved that girl,” he continued, “it was nothing compared to watching you and Allie.” The ball went up and came back down. “And I told her that. Told her to let you hold on to her.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry, by the way. Not sure I ever said that. I didn’t mean to let it slip about the hospital.”

“Thanks.” I labeled the box with a black marker and set it aside. “I should have told her. I had a million opportunities and chose not to. That’s on me. Not you. I’m the one who lost her.” My phone vibrated, dancing across the desk, and I caught it before it fell over the edge.

Beachman: Grizzly tonight?

I typed out a quick reply.

Ellis: Done deal. But not too late. Movers are here in the a.m.

Beachman: Fine, Cinderella. Midnight it is.

“I know you’re not used to begging forgiveness, but it requires actually doing something,” he lectured. “Sacrificing your pride, or your ego—”

“Giving her the space she needs is the fucking sacrifice!” I snapped. “She’s happy, Gavin. Maybe for the first time in her life. She’s back on top of her game. You think I don’t want to show up at her door? Barge into her life and throw myself at her mercy? You think it was easy to walk away from her on that street? That any of this is about to be easy? I will have to fight my selfish need for her every single day. I will be this close”—I pinched my fingers, leaving an inch of space between them—“to having everything I’ve dreamed of, and yet so fucking far that I may as well just stay here.”

“You’re absolutely not staying here.” He shook his head.

I gestured to the boxes. “Hence the moving. Allie puts everyone else’s needs first, always has, and she’s not going to put mine first. If that means I have to watch from a distance as she lives her life without me, then it fucking sucks, but so be it. I love her enough to let her go.”

“The if-you-love-something-set-it-free thing is overrated.” He set the baseball down. “I still think you should have snatched her off the street four weeks ago, thrown her in the truck, and driven straight to Sitka. Off and gone, happily ever after. Dream place? Check. Dream girl? Check. You could have worked your shit out on the road trip.”

“Kidnapping aside,” I said slowly, reaching for another box, “you wanted me to drive her to Sitka, where there is no Metropolitan Ballet Company for her to be the badass she is? That’s like taking the best quarterback in the NFL to live in Hawaii.”

“There are no NFL teams in Hawaii.” He looked at me like I’d sprouted wings.

“Exactly. I would never do that to her. She belongs in New York.” I dragged the tape across the bottom of the cardboard. “Can we please change the damned subject?”

The door swung open, and I looked over my shoulder as Juniper walked in, Caroline close on her heels, carrying a casserole dish. “Honey, take this to the kitchen, would you please?”

“Yep.” Juniper waved, then ran off with the glassware.

“Okay, I brought lasagna.” Caroline hung her purse on the coat-tree. “Just need to pop it in around four—” She gawked at Gavin. “Please tell me that you’re actually helping him pack and not just sitting there like our brother isn’t moving the day after tomorrow.”

Gavin shrugged. “It’s not like the military isn’t sending movers.”

“Get up!” Caroline snapped. “Now. Get a box and get packing.”

“So bossy,” he whined, hefting himself out of the chair.

I didn’t fight my grin. This right here was what I was going to miss. The bickering and the laughter. Watching Juniper grow and trying to figure out what she was going to scheme up next so I could get a step ahead of her. I was going to miss my family. They’d only be a visit away, but it wouldn’t be the same.

I glanced up at the framed map of Alaska above my desk. Some dreams required action, but others had to wait, so that’s what I was going to do. Wait.

Opening the desk drawer, I found the picture of Allie and me that Juniper had pilfered from storage earlier in the summer. My chest cracked open—at least that’s what it felt like.

How the hell could I love her like this, need her like air, and not be with her? How did a love like that go to complete and utter waste? She loved me and I loved her, and it still wasn’t enough. Time was my only hope of ever getting her back.

I slipped the picture into my back pocket and packed the rest of the drawer’s contents in the box.

“I can’t believe you’re leaving,” Caroline muttered, packing books at a speed that made me second-guess my own work ethic. “I mean, I can. I’m happy for you. You deserve everything good there is to have. Tape.” She held out her hand.

Stunned and a little frightened, I handed it over. I glanced down at my phone. She’d be here any minute. Perfect timing.

“And we’ll be fine.” She sealed the box and pushed it over to Gavin. “Make yourself useful and label that. And no, writing porn is not a funny way to get back at him.”

“You ruin all the fun.” Gavin smirked and then absolutely wrote porn on the side of the box.

“I think Tanner is ready for me to hand over the evening shifts at the café.” She built another box, and I busied myself with the next drawer so I didn’t get yelled at too. “Which means Juniper won’t need a babysitter after school.”

“Or I can stay by myself!” Juniper called out from the living room.

“Oh, that’s definitely not happening.” Caroline shook her head.

“Or you could accept some help,” I suggested, spotting her car pull up outside. One thing about that woman? She was punctual as fuck.

“I’m not dragging Mom and Dad back here.” She pointed the tape gun at Gavin. “And I’m not giving up the café. It’s a love-hate relationship, but it’s mine—and did you seriously put that on the box when I specifically told you not to?”

“I’m not saying you need to bring Mom and Dad back. And I’m definitely not saying you should depend on that one.” I gestured at Gavin.

“Rude,” he muttered.

“Facts,” I retorted, backing out of the office slowly. “I’m saying that there’s room in your life, in Juniper’s life, for more people to love and support you, if you’ll let them. Chances are you’ll discover you’re doing them a favor too.” I reached for the door handle.

“And who would you like me to depend on, Hudson?” Caroline asked, leaning into the doorway.

I opened the door. “You have no idea how perfect your timing is.” Or how much it hurt to see her. But this was the right thing for everyone, and she’d promised not to tell Allie what I was doing.

“I do try,” she said, tucking a curl behind her ears and balancing a box of packing supplies on her hip as she walked in. She set the box down on the floor and headed straight for Caroline, holding out her hand. “Hi, Caroline. It’s been a while.”

Caroline glanced at me, then took her hand cautiously. “Hi, Anne. I thought you’d gone back to New York with your sisters.”

“Actually, I decided to stay and get my very small, very rusty legal practice off the ground right here.”

“Aunt Anne!” Juniper came flying out of the living room, raced right by me, and slammed into Anne’s side.

“Hi, Juniper.” Anne hugged her right back. “Ugh, I’ve missed you.”

Juniper immediately launched into telling Anne all about her first week at Madeline’s and how she wasn’t sure her new teacher could ever compare to Eloise but she’d give her a shot, and I hung back and watched as Caroline laughed.

Yeah, they were going to be all right, and that was all that mattered.